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One Liners!


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#1 Petals

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Posted 04 October 2006 - 03:41 PM

Bus waited for me as I was running like mad to catch it this morning. Lovely driver! On leaving said to the Driver:

'' I expect you have lots of elderly ladies running after you during the
day!''

Driver smile.gif




Driver on the courtesy coach to the Ardingly Antiques Fair.

Question: ''And what antique do you hope to find to bring back with you today?''

Replied: '' A nice elderly gentleman!''


Over to you......... wink.gif


#2 Don and Margaret

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Posted 04 October 2006 - 07:04 PM

Margaret "My back is hurting really badly tonight"

Don-- "How is your face?"

Margaret--- "My face? It's ok"

Don--- "Well, it's killing me." biggrin.gif

Doghouse?, yep ph34r.gif



After Don quit smoking he gained a lot of weight. We were talking to some good friends one night and the lady said she was thinking about quitting but was afraid of gaining weight.

Don---"Yeah, I gained some when I quit"

Lady friend---"If I looked like you I'd start smoking again."

Don---- ohmy.gif


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#3 Petals

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Posted 04 October 2006 - 07:14 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

#4 VEGAS LADY

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Posted 05 October 2006 - 07:35 AM



They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but myself I am not so sure, after all why give yourself a heart attack shouting at someone when a good sarcastic one liner will do the job just as well.

Here are a couple that I will use if really pushed to the limit, after all as you go through life you do meet some nasty people.

We once had some dreadful neighbours who would not do a simple house repair that was causeing damage to our property. For eighteen months I asked them to do this repair and in the end I had to send them a Solicitors letter. When they got this letter the woman of the house came to my door and started shouting, I let her stand there and shout for two or three mins then said.........

I SEE THIS IS YET ANOTHER DAY YOU HAVE DESIGNATED TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

They moved a few weeks later

---------------------------------


I was in the supermarket line and the man before me was giving the checkout assistant a really hard time, he then started on me. I just looked at him straight between the eyes and said in a very loud voice..........

I WOULD LOVE TO STAND HERE ALL DAY AND PIT MY WITS AGAINST YOU, BUT I DON'T FIGHT UNARMED OPPONENTS.

The whole line burst out laughing, he stood there for a few seconds and then the penny dropped........EXIT ONE NASTY MAN, VERY FAST.

------------------------------------


Regards to you all.........Margaret... laugh.gif









#5 Petals

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Posted 05 October 2006 - 11:36 AM

Just received:



My mother could never see the irony in calling me a son=of-a-bitch!

Jack Nicholson


ph34r.gif

Edited by Jacqueline, 05 October 2006 - 01:49 PM.


#6 Sandra

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Posted 06 October 2006 - 06:09 PM

Jacky: laugh.gif
Don: laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
Margaret: It seems we have similar neighbours. I'd love to see my horrible neighbours move too !! Congratulations on getting rid of them. I can only live in hope. Also, I wish I had the balls to say what I think to rude people too . . . you are a star for standing up for yourself! biggrin.gif

OK, here's a line I stole from someone:

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the
hell happened (Cora Harvey Armstrong)



#7 VEGAS LADY

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Posted 07 October 2006 - 09:22 AM


THIS IS A GOOD ONE, AND WAS SAID TO ME A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.... ohmy.gif

I have a very dear, very, very glamorous friend who I have know for years and she is having a full face lift later this month. We were standing in front of my large mirror looking at our faces and the conversation went like this.......

ME......Why are you having it done, your face is better than mine.

FRIEND....Well I can see my looks going and it is upsetting me, are you going to have it done?

ME......No I am happy as I am

FRIEND.....Well I suppose if you have never had the looks you do not miss them....OUCH!!!!!!!!!! ohmy.gif sad.gif HOW MUCH ARSNIC WOULD YOU LIKE IN YOUR COFFEE.... laugh.gif

The best of it was she never realized what she had said.


Regards to all who look in the mirror and wonder what happened.

Margaret.......... laugh.gif biggrin.gif

Edited by VEGAS LADY, 07 October 2006 - 09:22 AM.


#8 Don and Margaret

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Posted 07 October 2006 - 10:04 AM

Margaret--ouch indeed. biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Dons' father was talking to a man once and the conversation went like this:

Dons' father--- "I'm 89 years old"

Man--- "No way you can be that old" ----pause---"Well now that I look closely at you I guess you are"

laugh.gif biggrin.gif

Edited by Don and Margaret, 07 October 2006 - 10:08 AM.


#9 katita

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Posted 07 October 2006 - 12:34 PM

WOW! to all the stupid people out there who DON'T EVEN KNOW when they're insulting you. dry.gif


My Dad (in my opinion) had the best OOPS one liner - my mother was very pregnant with my younger sister and was standing next to a woman at a backyard BBQ - my Dad awoke from a nap, walked over to his very pregnant wife and woman and said, "So when are you due?"
The woman said "I'm not pregnant"

OUCH!!! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif blink.gif

Katita


#10 VEGAS LADY

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Posted 07 October 2006 - 04:31 PM

Hi Katia.... smile.gif

Hi Don and Margaret..... smile.gif

Don't worry, the next time she comes for coffee I will have a nice selection of cream cakes for her to choose from, knowing her she will eat the lot. I will sit and smile... smile.gif She's at least two stone overweight and trying to slim...... laugh.gif laugh.gif

Only kidding,.....OR AM I...... dry.gif wink.gif


Margaret

#11 Petals

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Posted 07 October 2006 - 05:07 PM

Margaret, your friend needs glasses!

I have been in your company enough times to know how you look!

Perhaps that is why she is having the face lift.....to keep up with you!

smile.gif

I MUST SAY IT WAS NEVERTHELESS A GREAT ONE LINER ! wink.gif

LOVE ALL THOSE LISTED! GIVING ME A LAUGH.....

and ''Laugh and the world laughs with you.....Cry and you cry alone!'' who wrote that..........??


next.........



#12 VEGAS LADY

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 12:46 PM

Don't know who wrote that Jacky, but will ask someone that I know, he has all the books on sayings.

Gee thanks for the kind words...... smile.gif

Margaret

#13 katita

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 03:07 PM

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep, and you weep alone" are the first lines from the poem "Solitude" written by Ella Wheeler Wilcox and published on Feb. 25, 1883. She even received $5 payment for it's publication.

That's our English Literature lesson for today - remember this WILL be on the test.


Study hard - and Laugh Often!


Katita biggrin.gif


#14 Petals

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 04:20 PM

Thank you Katita!

smile.gif

#15 VEGAS LADY

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 04:40 PM


MANY THANKS KATITA..... laugh.gif

Regards Margaret





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